The Problem with Being “Just” a Stay at Home Mom

It’s happened twice this week – and it’s only Wednesday. In one case, it was by a woman, and in another instance, from a man.  You’d think that people would have more class than this, but apparently that has fallen to the wayside.

Early this week, I was in line at Costco. Funny thing is, lots of things always happen in line at Costco – why is that?  Just a few months ago, I entertained a conversation at Costco between a stranger behind me in line as I checked my pregnant self out with 4 kids in tow. Nothing unusual honestly… but I was due ANY day. Apparently that triggered lots of opinions.

Anyways .. moving on.

I was at Costco – this particular time, I had 3 kids with me. My four and six year old boys, and our three month old. My other 2 girls were at home .. one taking care of her dad and the other was sleeping.  A lady approached me as I stood in line, waiting to checkout. 

I had the baby in my Moby wrap, which is pretty common for me. I wear it when I am out in public, and I don’t want to haul a car seat around.

“Aww! How old is the baby?”

“She’s 3 months. .. so pretty new.”

“She’s adorable!” 

“Thanks. She is a great baby, very happy.”

“I bet her older brothers are taking great care of her (she looks onwards to them, and they look at me with pride in their face). Are you having another to balance it out?”

“Oh we were balanced out, until she came along. She’s #5 and we’ll likely stop unless my husband changes his mind, which is unlikely at this point. We are content with 5.”

(She laughs).

“So now that you are probably adjusted to having her .. when are you going back to work?”

“I don’t work outside the home. I stay home to take care of my kids and I work at home as well.”

“Oh, fun! That must be nice!”

“Fun? It’s a lot of hard work. Very rewarding but fun? Not always.”

Usually… I’d think that this was not as intentional as it comes off to be, but it wasn’t. She was very condescending. I’m thankful I had a cashier that was persistent enough to move on the conversation (intentionally perhaps? It was 8:00 pm, so maybe she wanted to go home, too.)

She next incident happened at the dentist just a few days ago – I took my boys in for their cleaning.  The dentist asks me to come back to talk about my oldest son.  So I grabbed the other 4, told them to follow me back, told them to hold hands with each other and said the typical “Do NOT touch anything, be quiet and mind your manners.”

The dentist talks to me about the cleaning, then what actions we needed to take next.

…..”he’ll need to be here for 3 hours next appointment… we can make the appointment for tomorrow (Tuesday) or Wednesday. Which day works best? “

It was Monday, so immediately I knew Tuesday or Wednesday would not work.

“Neither work…  can we make it for 2-3 weeks out?”

“Well he needs to get in as soon as possible.”

“I understand, but I can’t come in tomorrow or Wednesday”.

“I thought you just stayed home?”

“I don’t just stay home. I care for 5 kids, and I work a job while at home. And my husband works too. He can’t just take time off work at the drop of a hat, either. He has to request time in advance.”

“Oh, well I figured since you just stay home that you could drop on in here.”

“No, actually.. I can’t.”

“Well what do you have going on that you can’t just be here for a morning? It’s not like you have to go to work a real job.”

A real job?   It’s 2016 – are we really having this conversation? I’m done. Let me leave.

The conversation ended less amicably than it started off to be. I was pretty ticked off at that point – as I hopped in the car I dialed my husband and he had to listen to me ramble for 10 minutes about this being the second time in a week I have had this conversation.

And if you want my honesty, I had a friend tell me just two weeks ago that she struggles – she works from home, while her two kids attend school each day. That being a Full Time Working Mom has been something that wears her out… but she should stop venting, because it’s not like I understand her plight, anyways.

So that makes three instances where I have encountered this conversation.

Look folks – I’m not throwing stones at those who chose to work outside the home. I certainly used to be one about 7 years ago. I worked outside the home with 2 small children ages 3 and a newborn. I had a great career – I brought in a sizeable salary and had a very secure job working for the Department of Defense. I LOVED what I did.  It was hard to leave. It was even harder to adjust to one income.  

I loved having a job that I went to every day. The feeling of accomplishment and pride that comes with having a full time job is definitely there, especially if you love what you do. I spent 9 years going to school before I had kids, so I could have a competitive edge over people in the workplace. That Masters program was definitely a commitment, and I think paying it off was harder than the actual schooling. But that’s another story.

Many of the moms that work outside the home do so because they are either single mothers, OR because one income isn’t enough to meet the financial needs that their family requires. Some of them might choose to work just because it’s simply something they want to do.  And I also understand that many professional women (and men) are not rude and forthright as these two I experienced this week. At least I think that most of us tend to think about what we are going to say before the words exit our mouth.

These conversations I had this week weren’t necessary – they were shallow. I was confused – are we really in a time period where we treat motherhood like an obstacle?

I think back to when I was growing up – my mom stayed home to raise 4 children. She worked tirelessly at making sure we were taken care of all the time. She woke up early to workout and make us breakfast before school. She took great care to ensure we got on the bus on time daily with all of our work. She was at our games, when my Dad couldn’t be. When we came home with lice in 1989, she was the one picked out the nits in our hair and washed everything a million times over.  She was there 100 times more than my dad was – certainly my dad had to work and we understood that. 

But she was always going 100 mph – she rarely had time to eat. She went days at times without a shower – and as kids, I always said to myself “gosh, I will always make time for a shower, how can you not shower for days”.

Oh, how I have an entirely different mentality now..

These women who stay home are doing something that is multi-faceted – it’s joyous yet challenging. It’s painful at times, yet rewarding. It’s exhausting, yet fulfilling. Whatever they are doing, it’s necessary – our nation depends on mothers doing it WELL.  No other job out there carries such a huge responsibility except the job of parenting.

And this goes for moms and dads who stay home – because there are dads out there that ARE staying at home with their kids while their wife works a full time job.

Being a mom is not a job – at least I have never thought of it as that. A job is limited to specific times of the day – while being a parent is something you do 24 hours a day, and 7 days a week. Being a job allows you to earn a paycheck – being a stay at home mom does not. At a job, you have a break room, benefits and vacation.   You don’t get a vacation from being a mom.

Having a job is necessary for many – but no matter what you do and where you work, it’s not liberating. After all, you are expendable – you are just another number, and if you died tomorrow, I’m for sure certain they would be able to identify a replacement. Eventually you will be replaced – I’m just being real here. 

I have 5 kids that I care for daily. My days start REALLY early – when my 3 and 4 year old nap too much during the day, they wake up at 2 or 3 a.m. with boundless energy. Schedules are great, but guess what? They don’t always stick. Who gets up with them at that time? Mom does.  From that point on, making real food meals (and no, not stuff you shove in a microwave or open out of a bag), cleaning up after real food meals, getting them all properly bathed and teeth brushed, clothes washed, folded and put away, tidying up the kitchen after eating only to have to make food for the NEXT meal.  

What do we do all day?  We might be home all day but the day flies by… most days I struggle with getting time to eat myself, as someone always needs something, spills something, wants to eat something, drink something, help them with going potty, dressing them, keeping them entertained and planning meals for the rest of the week.  Driving them around, dealing with their teachers, homework assignments, appointments, and overall, being in charge of their wellness – because kids need a great deal of care to keep their bodies in the best shape possible so they don’t suffer sniffles, colds, chest congestion, head lice, and occasional stress.

Most times, I’d say 99% of the time, I am not in bed and asleep until 2:30 a.m. if not 3 a.m. I just can’t find enough hours in the day to do what needs to be done.

If your mother quit being a ‘mother’, society would surely suffer. If a mom left her job, she’d be easily replaced (after all, she’s expendable). A mom? Can’t be replaced. The kids would struggle.

Sure, to many I’m JUST a stay at home mom. I mold and raise my children. I direct, and manage the workings of our household, while taking care of little people (and, honestly – a husband) who RELY on me for everything. I teach my kids morals and manners, how to brush their teeth and have proper hygiene. I help my 10 and 6 year old with homework every night, as I make cheese sandwiches and pour milk all while trying to mop up the kitchen and fold loads of clothes.

Most households would fall apart if the mom decided to to forego her responsibilities.

I know what happens when I have babies in the hospital – I’m out for 2 days, and my husband takes our kids (and himself) to his moms. So she can mother them for 2 days while I recuperate.

Saying “Don’t you just stay home?” is pretty harsh. 

Telling someone that “they should be able to drop in, because after all, they don’t have a real job” is even worse.

I realize, not all women can be home full time. We all know that. But to acknowledge that as being the new norm is harsh, too. The more time a mom can spend being home and raising her kids the better.  I haven’t always thought I would be staying home, but I do. I didn’t always want to stay at home, but now I do.

We made a LOT of sacrifices to be able to afford for me to stay home – but that is what we both desired and felt was important in our family.

Lets not forget I still work at home too. Blogging on TWO platforms might just be trivial work for many, but for the last 8 years it has been something I have managed to do successfully despite a growing family. It’s not a hobby – is your job a hobby? I’d like to think you would say no.

It’s true – being a stay at home mom affords me some downtime. I can adjust my schedule to allow me to take kids to appointments, and take my laptop with me to work wherever I go. It might not be easy to work WHILE I have 5 kids with me but I have done it.  People that work outside the home have down time too – so as much as people think that those that work outside the home are busier .. I’d have to argue that point. My husband has down time at work with tasks scattered through his day, so while he is “busy” he is no more “busy” than I am at home.

You can be busy and unimportant about the same as you can be important (and not busy). Either way, it really doesn’t matter. In reality, none of us are as busy as we think we are, and if we are that terribly busy, then maybe we need to step back and contemplate our priorities.

In the end, our nation has quite a laundry list of problems. This might just be trivial compared to the real issues going on today – food, medical care, the deficit, immigration. But in the end, one thing is certain:  those who opt to stay home and raise their kids deserve to be treat with a little more dignity and respect.