Having a Large Family Does NOT Mean you are Neglecting your Kids

90% of the time.. the conversation starts in the checkout line at Costco – as I put food on the scanner belt, the couple behind us strikes up a conversation with my 9 year old daughter.

“Wow – it looks like you are going to have another brother or sister!  That is going to be hard for you to adjust to another baby in the house again, how do you feel about that?”

And I heard it – and my 9 year old wasn’t sure how to respond because I saw her expression – wide eyed and unsure, so she turned to me in a panic.  I refused to chime in, she’s big enough to respond, and I was eager to see her response.  She quickly turned back to say “I’m excited to meet my little sister. Having babies is fun because they are really cute when they are little and we are excited to have someone else to play with.”

The couple looked kind of surprised, but commented back … “well that’s great, I guess!  You definitely don’t have a problem with play friends!” I think they expected a different response, perhaps a “sigh” followed by “yeah, another baby…”

Now that we are encroaching on five, it somehow makes us an object of attention – not with everyone but with many.  I’m not sure why, in fact, I stood right next to a mom of 5 at Costco and I had a deep admiration for her as she held one, pushed 2 and carefully watched the other 2 follow close behind as she maneuvered a HUGE cart of food. Taking myself to Costco is a chore. Going with kids at any time during the day is even worse… and it all starts with parking the car.

I might be pushing 40, but my young looks don’t help any … some of the comments we entertain are positive, but certainly not all. For the rest, I know there is an underlying assumption…. 

• I wonder if they know what they are doing?
• I wonder if she works? If he works? Where he works at to support all those kids? 
• I wonder if they are on some kind of assistance?  I wonder if those kids were all planned?
• Do they realize how expensive kids are? Obviously not if they just keep having them.

It’s so wrong to mention any of those, but they are honestly things that must go through people’s heads, because if they weren’t, they wouldn’t be asking at the checkout every time we go :)

With many big families, people sometimes assume that lots of kids means that we are not spending quality time with each of them – perhaps our kids aren’t getting the attention they are needing.  Those other large families with kids may be able to understand, but if you have just one you might not have any idea what we are referring to.

One of the best examples would be taking the kids to Costco – one of my boys has a huge meltdown in the frozen aisle because his other brother got the last sample of ice cream off the sample cart and he didn’t get ANY. Though she’s putting out more, it doesn’t help the fact that he wants to eat it AT the SAME TIME as his older brother.

The meltdown commences, his shoes are on the wrong feet and his pants are on backwards – he collapses on the floor to a huge temper tantrum, as the rest of us stand near. The harsh parenting judges will come out of the woodwork and say “That young Mom has TOO MANY kids for her own good!”  (I might look young, but pushing 40 .. I’m not as young as I once was!)

But yet if a mom of one has a child who has a tantrum in the produce aisle of the grocery store, it’s okay – because that one is just being a child.

As a work at home mom of 4 {soon to be} 5, I consider myself blessed to be able to be at home with them all day long. But if a mother stays home with her children, it’s always assumed that they are not getting the attention they deserve to have. But a mom of 2 who works outside the home is completely accepted.  This happens more with family than anything else – at least with us. 

The thing is, life is busy in every family.   We might have a larger family than most, but we don’t discount the fact that families with 2 or 3 kids are strapped for time just as much as we are.  Many parents work full time, some may hold several part time jobs, .. just to raise their children with what is necessary. Everyone has demands on their time.

We grew up in a family of 6 – my Dad worked a strenuous job for years (and still does), but my mother stayed home. We never felt like our parents were too busy for us. We also had many friends that had 8-9 children and they grew up feeling very loved in their family too. 

You can’t look at another family and assume anything based on a headcount alone.

I don’t have time to volunteer at my child’s school multiple times a week – and I can’t possibly afford to have them all enrolled in Tae Kwan Do all year long – we don’t do pinterest crafts at the kitchen table every day, I don’t take my smallest to classes at Gymboree or to every little event that goes on in our area.

On most days I’m lucky to see my 4 year old put his shoes on the right feet (though they may not match…) – we are, in most cases, lucky to have extra shoes in the car just in case they forgot to put them on. And my 2 year old might have a chocolate milk mustache when we head out of the house – but my kids, thankfully, could care less about those little things.  And I have more important battles to pick than whether or not the 4 year old wants to wear pajama bottoms with a sweater and clip on tie in the middle of June – shocking, how could ANY parent let their child leave the house in pajamas?    He’s dressed, and that’s what matters. 

They love being with each other….  they love spending time with me, and they know that Mom and Dad love them enough to be there for them and take care of them each day.

Having a large family does NOT mean you are neglecting ANY of your children.

With each child, your love grows exponentially….   love is not something you have to divide to make an extra slice for the next (thankfully!) And we are not perfect but.. we do our best, and to our kids, we do great – and that is enough for us.